Government promises to get people into debt, and onto the housing ladder
In an effort to maintain the still incredibly high prices of properties across the UK, and avoid two-for-one offers appearing that would cost less than a bag of chips, the government is to promise first-time buyers in England what are being described as “free” loans up to 30% of the price of new-build houses and flats, in an effort to reinvigorate the housing market and prevent people reaching the conclusion that they were really, really stupid to see their homes as their pension funds in the first place.
“If property prices continue to fall,” said Hazel Blears, the communities minister, “sooner or later, everyone will have a home. You might think that’s great, but it isn’t. Those who bought during the boom period voted us in and kept us in power, and they will quickly realise they’re as screwed as the poor when it comes to pensions, because everyone’s home, irrespective of incomes, whether lawns are manicured or not, and without any regard to the number of garden gnomes and water features on display, will be pretty much worthless. You certainly wouldn’t have enough left over from selling a property to pay your next energy bill. That’s if you could sell, and current predictions indicate only 4.3 homes will be sold next year, most of those on the Isle of Wight. We obviously want to avoid losing the next election, and so we need to keep the lie of property ownership equalling prosperity and pension security alive, at least for a little bit longer.”
tags: government, housing, humour, loans, new builds, property, recession
