Cameron promises to remove and curtail our rights to protest when new building works are proposed. Want to turn a beautiful landscape into a future high-rise crack den? No problem! The Tories are here to help. If you’ve got the money, we’ve got the approvals you need.

I have a vision, you know. Dave would surely like it. I know my vision to be worthy of Churchill. We can be an empire again! Let’s all apply to build a circle of ramshackle pissing sheds around Chipping Norton and get Britain back on track. That’s all we need: lean-tos and pissoirs a-plenty built by forced labour on WorkFare for sweet fuck all. It’s an Etonian’s wet dream.

I personally cannot wait for the stench of stale piss to waft up from new developments in Surrey and the Home Counties. Let’s concrete over Cobham. Let the effluvia in Esher flow freely. The anger, resentment and hatred builds but yea, it is glorious. It will power our Great Time Vessel’s dark Satanic engines back, back, back through time. Victoria and victory awaits us! Cake for all. Veal for the few.

Shit. That was some nightmare. Oh, wait…