Sky and MTV should leave Rocky Horror the f*** alone

Wednesday, August 13th, 2008

It has been announced that cult musical film The Rocky Horror Picture Show is to be remade, 33 years after it was first released. A joint venture by Sky Movies in the UK and MTV in the US, those renowned purveyors of quality viewing material such as…. er, such as…

Okay, but anyway…

The film has the backing of Rocky Horror creator, Richard O'Brien, who will, in his lifelong role as one-trick-pony, be acting as co-producer. Before anyone declares O’Brien’s involvement as a surefire guarantee that the new version will be at least as fabulous as the original, let’s not forget the sequel… Say what? You had forgotten it? Probably for the best. But then there’s The Crystal Maze game show.

O’Brien cannot be trusted to provide any degree of quality control, so we can expect to see high-profile busty celebrities cast in the leading roles of Janet and Magenta, while we’ll probably get some dumb reality show reject playing Rocky. Who will play Frank N Furter is anyone’s guess. If it were someone like Anthony Stewart Head, who has played the part on stage, we might hold out some hope… But chances are, we’ll get Russell Brand playing the part in character as, um, Russell Brand.

Why don’t they just leave it the fuck alone? I don’t have statistics to hand, but in all likelihood over 90% of film remakes are excremental compared to the classics. Even those that enjoy some degree of success never quite measure up to the originals. Why rape creative successes in this way? It’s not like the original Rocky Horror film doesn’t still rake in the millions—and then there’s the stage version, which is rolled out every single year with a variety of guest stars playing the lead, some quite wonderful, though none ever quite matching the unsurpassable brilliance of Tim Curry.

No, a line has to be drawn in the sand somewhere and I’m doing it right now. Dammit Janet. Lock up O’Brien immediately and throw away the key, to protect his own legacy, and the fans from crushing disappointment. Moreover, as with the laughably bad BBC Spooks spin-off, Spooks: Code 9, currently airing on BBC3–that’s the hideously pink-branded yoof channel these days—there’s a very real danger of damaging the reputation and appeal of the original, that is to say, in marketing parlance, ‘the brand’.

Spooks: Code 9, by the way, eschews all possibility of real drama and suspense in favour of wooden acting, sex, ludicrous plots and, um, sex. Avoid it if you love Spooks.

Above all other considerations, the original Rocky Horror Picture Show was brilliantly transgressive, subversive, and shocking. But these days, when tits and cocks are prime-time viewing and gay sexuality features heavily in Doctor Who, when more illegal drugs are consumed than novels are read, when footballers wear sarongs and enjoy being adored by queers, how can a new version hope to match it for sleaze, for shock, for sheer exuberance and provoked outrage? In short, it can’t. This proposed remake should be unmade at the drawing board stage. Pronto.

categories: film & video