Labour offers northern Irish all their potatoes back to secure support in war on terror
The government has confirmed that it knows it will win every vote in the House of Commons right the way through to the General Election, to be held on the last possible day at the last possible hour in 2010, thanks to having made a bold offer to Democratic Unionist politicians in Northern Ireland to give them not only all their potatoes back, but all the potatoes the English took from the whole of Eire back in the day.
“Fighting terrorists by passing new laws every five minutes that make the Saudi regime look liberal is the right thing to do,” said Prime Minister Gordon Brown in an announcement yesterday. “And I am the right man for the job. But of course, over our many years in office some of our MPs have learned they can vote according to conscience, and have been doing so with increasing and alarming frequency. While we are drawing up plans to make this illegal, because it interferes with the workings of strong government, we have in the meantime agreed terms with the Democratic Unionists in Northern Ireland to ensure they always vote with Labour. This involves the export of all mainland commercial potato crops across the Irish Sea, and the introduction of a new law to punish by death any woman in Northern Ireland who even thinks about abortion.”
Given the well-known and long-held attitudes of old, male, northern Irish politicians towards women’s rights, the plan to strengthen anti-abortion laws in the province came as no surprise to anyone, and is likely to lead to most every woman in Northern Ireland packing her bags and emigrating. But what is already being dubbed the Great Potato Refund was predicted by no-one. When asked how every potato grown in the mainland was going to be shipped, the Prime Minister said that RyanAir was being given financial incentives to make every passenger on its cheap flights to Northern Ireland carry at least two sacks of potatoes on board with them.
“And if disabled passengers can’t carry potatoes but want to do their bit for the nation’s long-term security,” added Brown, “airport security officials will strap a sack of the delicious and nutritious tubers onto their heads for the duration of their journeys. Of course, not many disabled people travel by RyanAir because there isn’t much leg room and the seats are a bit narrow, but it’s the thought that counts, isn’t it?”
The return of the same volume of potatoes stolen by the English back in the 1800s will be a massive undertaking, but it is claimed the move will not only help heal long-standing resentment over the Irish Potato Famine, it may also improve the health of mainland Britons as well. “If we don’t have potatoes as a consequence of them all being shipped to Northern Ireland,” said a government nutrition advisor, “then we can expect to see overall salt and fat consumption decline as, under usual circumstances, the English and Scottish really like their crisps and chips a little too much, really. Labour was intending to legislate on what people could and couldn’t eat, but this relocation of all the potatoes means we now have to reconsider our plans in that regard. We may just make chocolate illegal for now.”
Companies such as Walkers Crisps did not welcome the announcement by Gordon Brown. “This will be the end of our business,” said one senior executive. “That is, unless we can secure help from the government to switch quickly to using parsnips instead. Even then, parsnips aren’t potatoes, are they? Do we even grow many parsnips in the UK? We don’t know. We’ve worked so long with potatoes, we’ve not really got much awareness of other root vegetables. We don’t even know if Gary Lineker will be prepared to continue doing our TV ads. He’s done them for decades but he might not like parsnips at all.”
Harry Ramsden’s, the worldwide restaurant chain selling traditional British-style fish and chips, has already, in the wake of Brown’s announcement, revealed it will be closing all its mainland UK outlets. “Not much point keeping them going, is there?” said a spokesperson. “I mean, fish and chips without the chips… That’s just not right, is it?”
The Irish Fianna Fáil government is none too happy, either. “We’re angry that the British government hasn’t consulted us before making this announcement,” said the Taoiseach, Brian Cowen (the Taoiseach is the Irish Prime Minister). “If they’re going to send the potatoes over, we were just as screwed by the English as our northern brothers and sisters. Back in the days of the Potato Famine, it was one nation under the yoke of imperialist oppression. So where’s our share in this great big giveaway?”
tags: anti-terror legislation, humour, politics, potatoes
2 comments on “Labour offers northern Irish all their potatoes back to secure support in war on terror”
June 12th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
So Labour also want to replace the NHS with an American-style private insurance system (that’s me buggered straight away). Nye Bevin would be turning in his grave if Labour actually were the Labour party and not Torys in red clothing. Socialism, I miss you…
Lucky I like parsnips isn’t it! X
June 12th, 2008 at 12:53 pm
TLJ » Parsnips are loooooovely. I’m growing some as it happens, but they’re only babies right now. Bless.
have your say
You must be logged in to post a comment. Registration is quick and easy. Just click here to get yourself a free account.