BT offers to ‘rip customers off some more’
As part of its ongoing drive to cut services and improve profit margins, BT has announced a new service costing just under £100. It isn’t telling anyone what that service is, but the company promises complete dissatisfaction and an inability to reach English-speaking operatives when in need of help, ‘or your money back some time before 2020′.
The new package is rumoured to include guaranteed dismal broadband speeds, 24-7 Internet monitoring–’to protect you from yourself because you know we can do as we damn well please’–and targeted advertising of sex toys and condoms to minors when visiting Barney the Dinosaur’s website because their dads have been sneakily looking at pornography on the family PC when everyone else was tucked up in bed, and weren’t aware that BT tracks every website visited through its network because it can get away with breaking the law on intercepting private communications.
“We believe,” said a spokesperson, “in providing absolutely no value for money, but we don’t believe in resting on our achievements in this regard. We are constantly looking for new ways to fleece our customers, and at the same time cut back on services so we don’t have to pay sullen blokes to drive around in vans with our logo on them. We don’t like them because they smell, and bet on horses, and we don’t think our customers really want poorly trained chavs turning up on their doorsteps to offer assistance in this day and age.”
When questioned as to why so many people get broadband speeds so slow that emails across the Atlantic take longer than it would take to go visit people in person having got there by canoe, the spokesperson said speeds vary for a variety of reasons, including distance from the telephone exchange.
“That, and it’s a question of priorities. We can invest in infrastructure or in ourselves. We think investing in ourselves means investing in Britain, because when we’re stinking rich we don’t just go on holidays abroad. We buy stuff as well, and some of what we spend our dosh on is made in the UK. Especially fucking huge mansions. It’s not all from China, you know.”
Many consumers are disappointed that services promising speeds of up to 8Mbps are falling far short of this. “We’re aware of this,” said the spokesperson, “and, really, we are ourselves disappointed that there aren’t more people paying us money and being pissed off at the same time. We aim to ensure everyone is equally upset, and are always sad to hear of anyone who’s happy with the service we provide. In fact, we send out two doctors to anyone claiming to be pleased with us, so that they can be sectioned for the safety of the communities they live in. Besides, if you want to live outside London, you can damn well put up with what you’re given. Past Watford, they all live in mud huts and keep pigeons, don’t they?”
BT has also announced a new telephony service that promises to cut electricity bills. “It’s not that long ago you had to use two tin cans and some string if you wanted to make a call,” said another spokesperson. “And those were the good old days, weren’t they? So we are looking into introducing some limited-edition tin cans, because tests have recently proven they give significantly improved reception. The string to connect them will, however, be an optional add-on only available to those who sign up to 300-year contracts and agree to pay half a grand every month by direct debit.”
When questioned about the legality of monitoring Internet traffic and providing broadband speeds that fall short of those promoted in BT’s advertising, the spokesperson laughed. “Do you think we give a shit? What are you going to do? Switch to another provider? Suckers!”
tags: broadband speeds, BT, humour, Internet, Phorm, technology, telephony
4 comments on “BT offers to ‘rip customers off some more’”
June 12th, 2008 at 12:12 pm
For this very reason I have been with Tiscali for some time. We have had some problems, but they have been extremely quick to sort them out - even though it was a VERY complicated problem entirely their own fault - AND we got a fulsome letter of apology for what happened, full credit for losses incurred (without asking!) and they are ensuring we are very satisfied at all times now. I don’t mind if things go wrong, they are only human, but it is the way problems are dealt with that means a lot to me. Tiscali proved themselves adept, and I will be loyal to them because of it. Which is lucky as it is them or BT in my area - no other choice!
Customer Service. You would think BT would have learnt the definition by now!
June 12th, 2008 at 12:55 pm
TLJ » Hmm, we used to be with Tiscali but it was years ago and at the time they were awful. But yes, it sounds like you’ve had a good experience worth holding onto.
Virgin Media just announced it’s going to work with record companies to hunt down all those evil terrorist teenagers file-sharing music illegally, so they can be fined thousands upon thousands of pounds. Of course this will bring the entire public onto the side of the record companies… Not. So, anyone with Virgin Media, file-sharing or not, really ought to get themselves to another ISP… I mean, they’ve decided they like the record companies more than they like their customers… x
June 12th, 2008 at 4:49 pm
this is just after Virgin sold off all their record shops and became Zavvi? That doesn’t make sense… still, not much about big business does to me!
June 12th, 2008 at 7:19 pm
TLJ » Yeah, Virgin Media is entirely seperate, Zavvi–what a name eh?–is a management buy-out. x
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