Tesco unveils plan to intensively farm new customers

Monday, June 9th, 2008

Tesco has announced plans to start intensively farming new customers on specially-neglected sink estates, in its long-running bid to take over the known universe and expand its customer base by any means necessary. “Tesco believes everybody should have access to cheap food, even cheap people, and morals be damned,” said a spokesperson. “To that end, we have begun a cloning program to produce a new breed of customers who never question, and avidly consume anything we throw their way.”

The sink estates will house thousands of people, with around ten adults and at least as many children living in each one-bedroom flat with no windows and no ventilation. No toilet facilities will be provided, as one way of keeping production costs down, and instead of carpets or other conventional floor coverings the mega-corporation will use sawdust to soak up the shit, piss, and tears of despair.

“Our new-breed customers will be fed a strictly low-nutrient diet rich in fat, salt and sugar,” explained Janet Goebbels, Tesco’s Chief of Genetic and Social Engineering. “It will all come straight from our store shelves. We intend to make them too fat to care about anything other than how many minutes it’s going to take to microwave their next meal from our Value range, and what time Jeremy Kyle’s show is on ITV. It’s genius. We know there are hundreds of thousands of people already living like that, but we could always do with more. As can any business aiming to be successful, let’s be honest.”

Those customers who prove to be malformed in the cloning process, a problem that affects 1 in 10 and results in people who are unable through poverty or unwilling because of personal ethics to increase Tesco’s profits, will be humanely slaughtered according to standards laid down by Sweeney Todd, the company’s chief animal welfare expert and world-class butcher. Todd will oversee established methods already employed against chickens being carried over to the mass farming of people. He has, in the past, shyly admitted to ‘limited experience’ with handling the preparation of people in the East End of London.

“They’ll be herded onto a conveyor belt, strapped in, and then passed along the line until a huge set of rotating blades cut their throats,” said Goebbels. “The blades have an error margin of about four inches each way, so even if they slice into the heads or shoulders instead, the customers will die eventually. We can then make use of them in our new Value Soylent Green range of ready meals, which we will be distributing to hospitals around the country as part of our Look Like We Care campaign.”

Goebbels went to great pains in the announcement made over the weekend to stress that the new customers will have no emotions, and therefore won’t feel any pain if considered useless, and slaughtered as a consequence.

“They may look like they’re upset and in pain, they may even scream,” she said. “But the screams aren’t screams, they’re just escaping gas. And the facial expressions don’t correlate at all to the facial expressions of our executives and shareholders. So don’t worry, and don’t care about what happens to these failed customers or where they end up. And remember, Tesco has always believed that poor people are important. They don’t have much money, it’s true, but what they have, we think we should take for their own good. They’d only spend it at Lidl or Aldi otherwise. And when they have no money, we can still use them to feed the people who do.”

Tesco has made clear that it will do everything it can, including the use of mind-altering food additives and tactical nuclear strikes, to prevent British people from making informed decisions when buying materials packaged and sold as food.

The company has also announced it is to reduce its carbon footprint by issuing all staff with shoes it calls ‘carbon-friendly’. A spokesperson explained that the soles of the shoes will be fitted with microscopic brushes.

“Any carbon our staff inadvertently stand on when carrying out their duties will be gently massaged. Our research shows that the carbon will then be far less inclined to go into the atmosphere and set to destroying human civilisation and the planet, which our investigations show to be a real threat to our profit margins. That is, until such time as the first Tesco Space Shuttle is launched, some time next year. We have our sights set on Mars initially, but intend to expand our operations across the Milky Way. Then we won’t give a toss about the Earth. Not one bit. Actually, we don’t care much for it right now as it happens.”

Tesco’s latest initiatives have been applauded by the Labour government. Tesco bought the government in 1997, less than a month after Tony Blair took office. Rumour has it the store chain’s next acquisition will be the Roman Catholic Church, after undercover reporters in the Far East discovered a sweatshop in which children are already hard at work 23 hours a day, seven days a week, with no holidays, producing a range of T-shirts proclaiming “CHRIST LOVES TESCO’ and ‘ONLY THE DEVIL SHOPS AT ASDA’.

For the real news story that inspired this, click here. In a very clever plan to force Tesco to stop supporting the cruel intensive farming of chickens, TV chef Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall plans to put a proposal to shareholders to vote on at their AGM. But now Tesco wants £86,000 from the chef to print up the paperwork. Surely, one might think, one of their cheap printers sold instore could do the job for a fraction of that amount?

categories: animals, healthy planet