Government plans to take further measures against thinking
A major overhaul of the way politically opportunistic bullshit is packaged and sold, including supportive measures such as banning all freedom of choice and thinking in public places, is being proposed by the government in a new draft paper.
The plan, aimed at preventing all the poor little children and every adult outside the political class from doing anything other than what they’re told, could also see all colours other than grey being outlawed, and conversations between more than two people in the privacy of their own cellars or garages banned for fear of spreading dangerous ideas such as you’re not alone in feeling like shite.
Meanwhile, a new TV advert campaign is targeting parents who think. The adverts warn that children of thinkers are three times more likely to take up the habit of thinking than those of non-thinkers. Consequences of thinking include using your vote for parties not supported by the media, failing to consume stuff to the high levels required to keep the economy expanding, and developing a taste for the highly addictive but socially divisive qualities of freedom.
The Department of Interference says television and radio broadcasts that do not focus on showbiz gossip and fashion can encourage young people to start thinking, so it proposes the airing of documentaries only between the hours of 2am and 6am, and banning the reading of non-fiction books, non-gossip magazines, and broadsheet newspapers. “Protecting our poor, sweet children, our precious little angels, our future manual labourers and pen-pushers, from real life is a government priority and taking away the temptation to think is one way to do this,” says Commandant Dawn Primarolopolotoblerlone, Public Interference Minister and Chair of the Killjoy Committee which was set up some time ago to find new ways to disenfranchise people painlessly.
The draft paper also suggests the introduction of plain packaging for books, carrying only the title and author in standard lettering, the font to be decided upon by the government’s Font Approval Committee which was set up two months ago in response to a survey commissioned that found people ten times more likely to get ideas from reading books that stood out on bookshop shelves primarily because the fonts used on the covers appealed to the eye.
Other ideas being mooted in the paper, which will go out for a seventeen-month consultation among five members of the New Labour Party, chosen for their outstanding record in voting according to anything but conscience in order to secure positions in Cabinet, include a limitation on the number of pages in ‘thinking-heavy’ books and newspapers. The plan would see such books limited to 50 pages or under, and newspapers to 10. Anyone caught reading material deemed offensively thoughtful could risk a prison sentence of 10,000 years in solitary confinement.
“This will also save trees,” says Primarolopolotoblerlone, “and the government is keen to get across the message that we care deeply, so very deeply, about the environment and the way to save it is to stop people from reading. In taking these new measures, we predict we could save thousands of trees, and we all like trees, don’t we? We could also repurpose our public libraries at last. We’ve been looking into converting them into army recruitment centres for our next war. Or maybe doing a deal with one or more US corporations. We’re also looking into handing the libraries over to the Roman Catholic Church, to turn into workhouses for the poor run by priests who have expressed an interest in looking after lonely, large-eyed, pretty boy waifs and strays in need of hands-on love and affection. That was Ruth Kelly’s idea.”
The consultation paper will be published in England, Wales and Northern Ireland. It applies in its entirety to England but certain sections won’t apply to Wales because the government thinks few enough people read there already, being entirely occupied in the spring and summer months with sheep, and Northern Ireland, where the government is alll too aware that the people have, in the past, thought rather too much and look what happened there.
Last week the Scottish Government announced a range of proposals to restrict thought in Scotland, including a ban on shops displaying non-fiction books in ‘a promiscuous manner’ on their shelves.
On the latest consultation document—number 15, 234, 768 in an ongoing series—Primarolopolotoblerlone, said it was vital to stop kids thinking. “Protecting children from thinking is a government priority,” she said. “Make no mistake, this government is strong on tackling thinking, and the causes of thinking. Where necessary we will not hesitate to use the powers we granted ourselves only last week over coffee and cake, under the Political Class Empowerment and Subjugation of the Masses Act 2008, to have social workers remove children from their families if they’re being encouraged to think and freely express their opinions. Parents who don’t teach their children never to question, always to obey, well… They aren’t fit to parent, in my view. We should shoot them. Like the dogs they are.”
To read the genuine news story that incited this brazen act of rebellious writing, click here.
tags: civil liberties, humour, politics, spoof
2 comments on “Government plans to take further measures against thinking”
June 2nd, 2008 at 8:01 am
Again you bring to the attention of us all truth with laughter … helping the bitter pill of reality go down … we’d better watch out or it will end up like this!!!
June 3rd, 2008 at 7:17 am
Beautifu1 ยป It IS ending up like this. That’s the scary part. The lunatics have taken over the asylum…. *shudder*
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