MEPs want to feed pigs to chickens - so let’s do all we can to stop it happening

Sunday, May 4th, 2008

‘We understand the European Commission will be submitting a proposal later this year,’ said a spokesman. ‘We would only support it if we were fully satisfied that appropriate and effective testing had taken place to control the use of such proteins in poultry feed.’ He added that an EU project looking at testing methods was due for completion in 2009, meaning some poor birds are already lined up to take part in trials we might dub the Hannibal Lecter Project, and might even right now be tucking into pelleted pig.

Since the good old bad days of the 1980s, the costs of cereals, which form the basis of poultry feed throughout Europe, have risen dramatically. The EU proposal to mix pig remains with cereals and use them for feeding chickens is linked to these price rises, and mention has been made by the occasional babbling idiot that the current, escalating, and likely endless food crisis has something to do with the decision. Funny. See, most of us must be daft, because you, like me, probably mistakenly believed that overconsumption of animal protein the world over had something to do with the fact that millions are starving for want of a few grains of wheat; and, that the solution was for the more affluent societies to reduce their meat consumption or give it up altogether.

Only poultry feed would be exempt from the current ban on the use of animal remains. Chickens are small, and it is presumably thought people won’t care as much about what goes into a chicken as what goes into a cow. They don’t when it comes to fast food chicken burgers, after all, which are a way in which humans have been fed eyelids and arseholes for decades now. Yummy. What? It’s true. Don’t shoot the messenger.

Chickens are, it is repeated like an unholy mantra, omnivores—meaning they eat both vegetation and meat. They obtain animal protein usually by pecking for worms, officials point out, presumably thinking most of us believe chickens exist on a diet of mixed and tender young salad leaves with the occasional dash of vinaigrette, and are clueless as to the widespread culling of worms by birds the world over since Grandmother Archaeopteryx first unfurled her claw-tipped wings. Those of us who keep chickens can, however, inform officialdom that we have reported sightings everywhere of bloodthirsty chickens and other birds also consuming slugs, earwigs, cockroaches, woodlice, and snails in huge quantities. If you keep chickens, try doing a spot of digging in the garden or simply lifting up a paving stone when they’re free-ranging. You’ll see.

So you can extrapolate, therefore, that it is perfectly natural to throw pigs at them when they emerge from the hen-houses every morning. Just mind you don’t hit the birds, they won’t take kindly to a hundredweight of pig landing on their backs. It’s enough having to deal with randy cockerels when present, which, if hens could talk, might occasionally, like some husbands and boyfriends, be described (unfairly or not) as pigs as well.

The practice of feeding the remains of ruminants, mostly cows and sheep, to other ruminants would still be outlawed because of what is known about BSE. No evidence exists, however, to suggest that feeding chickens a wholly unnatural diet will lead to brain rot. As and when and if that happens, then of course a variety of meetings would take place in closed rooms to discuss how best to tackle the tragic and completely unavoidable situation when kids everywhere start doing the Dying Fly after a night of indulging in a gigantic bucket of KFC in front of the telly. The usual way of approaching disasters these days is to rustle up a plausible denial scenario; when that fails, a heady mix of disinformation, propaganda and reassurance usually does the job.

The proposal to start feeding pigs to chickens is backed by Philip Comer of DNV Consulting, a former risk assessment adviser for the Food Standards Agency—another fabulous institution where morality is seen as a pathogen spread by invasive and pathetic stupidity and the superstitious ignorance of unscientific peasants. And we all know that consultancies invariably do much good in the modern world. Where would we be with public relations and marketing?

‘The by-products of slaughter are a very valuable source of protein,’ he said. ‘We should not be wasting it.’

So why doesn’t he slop some of the stuff, uncooked and steaming, onto his breakfast plate? Or consider re-educating the public that there’s more you can eat on a chicken, if you eat meat, than just the breast and wings? That is, assuming you don’t buy intensively farmed chicken, in which case the amount of meat is likely to be enough to feed several ants so hungry they’ll eat any old rubbish you throw at them. One does hear rumours, however, that you can boil a broiler chicken and obtain enough soup to fill a thimble.

Write to your MPs and MEPs if you don’t accept that they know better than you, and if you want to tell them to stop the madness before it starts all over again. They rely on your passivity to indicate your implied acceptance. So get active. Show them you have a mind, and don’t want to put your brain at risk of being turned into a soft jelly. And guess what? When you’ve written and posted those letters, pat yourself on the back. You’ve become an activist. Surprisingly, it doesn’t transform you overnight into a terrorist. But you have, officially, become a bloody nuisance to the Powers That Be. Well done!

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