Our pagan wedding
The solemn exchange of vows of Marriage, ‘To Hand and Heart’, according to the Rites and Ceremonies of the couple (that’s us) took place in the presence of a Traditional Life-Rites Celebrant, a priest and two Brigantian Clans, Scartanore and Brigantii, at Oakleaf Circle Lammas Camp on July 29th 2007.
That’s more or less what the certificate that we received after our ceremony declares, although I’m obviously not going to name the man and woman who officiated at our wedding, or the many witnesses. But there were many—we decided on a public rather than private ceremony, and many of the people attending camp came along to see us get hitched by the sacred hearth on the final full day. We didn’t even know all the people, yet the good wishes towards us were felt throughout the ceremony. Our wedding was an overwhelming experience, beautiful and empowering and… many wonderful things.
We had more sunshine at Oakleaf this year than last, incredible when you think of the constant and heavy rain we’ve endured in Britain for over a month. The day camp began, the sun was shining and only occasionally hid behind clouds for mere minutes at a time. The nights were bitterly cold due to there being no cloud cover, but didn’t stop everyone from spending hours in front of the fire or huddled together having conversations and enjoying laughter well into the early hours.
At 4.30pm on the 29th my beloved and I had to go to the sacred spring and undertake a private ceremonial cleansing ritual using the water. We had to wash each other’s face, feet and heart. We didn’t know what to expect, if anything, but we found an immense calm descended upon us and, as we prayed to the Goddess and God to bless our union, we both came away from the ritual sensing the blessing was given without reservation. We felt smiled upon, and there was a sense of excitement in the water and the land around us.
The time of our wedding was 5pm, and the sun was blazing down on us. The wicker man, John Barleycorn, was ready to be fastened to the bonfire as soon as our ceremony was concluded. His body was made by the men of the camp, his appendage—the symbol of the land’s fertility—made by the women, who produced something anatomically exaggerated (they clearly had some fun). Our ceremony took place in front of John Barleycorn lying down, several people remarking that a same-sex male wedding taking place in front of a straw and willow man with a huge phallus was somewhat appropriate!
John Barleycorn was made in an unmistakably excited condition, but the intention was not to be salacious but instead represent the ’seed’ that grows in the land. In the context of our marriage, the seed was our relationship and the fruits it has and will bear in terms of our connection with each other, our positive impact on our friends, family and the world, and our soon-to-be realised intention to build and nurture a family of our own.
When John Barleycorn burns, a man representing him always bounces into the circle afterwards to show that he never dies but is instead reborn each and every year. The ritual of burning is not about violence but about regeneration and renewal, giving thanks for the crops and seeking to ensure, through pleasing the God of the land, a successful harvest.
Against this backdrop our wedding became an integral part of one of the most important events in the pagan calendar, and this pleased my beloved and I greatly. In most pagan circles a same-sex union has long been treated no differently in terms of respect and importance to heterosexual unions, the recognition being that all strong and positive relationships are blessed by the God and Goddess. That said, like all those seeking a handfasting, we had to sit down with both the priest and life-rites celebrant the day before our wedding to discuss our life together, what we’ve been through, who we are, what we hope to accomplish. The order of service was specifically tailored to us; no two ceremonies are ever the same.
We were given many incredibly beautiful gifts, and those that we could find a way to incorporate into our wedding, we did. We asked Beautifu1 to be our ring-bearer as she had bought us both identical rings in the shape of cats which curled around our fingers. We exchanged the rings as tokens of our love, knowing that they also served as tokens of her love towards us both. We used two slim and stunningly gorgeous beech chalices which had solid beech rings around their stems, given to us by Amethyst Dragon and her family, for the part of the ceremony that involved us drinking mead (a wine of sorts, made from honey). We each had to take a drink for ourselves, from our own cups, and then present the cups to each other to drink from. This represented feeding and supporting each other.
We also had to give each other salt, for health and to acknowledge that life is sometimes bitter and it is in hard times we find strength in each other. We each also had to slice a piece of honeycomb to feed to the other, representing the sweetness of our union.
We had to hold hands inside an iron ring on which were written vows of honesty, love and trust. The holding of hands formed an infinity symbol. The priest told us much later that this forms an integral part of handfasting ceremonies within the Scartanore clan, and so the life-rites celebrant’s decision to use the ring in our ceremony was an honouring in itself as we belong to sister clan, Brigantii.
We asked three friends—the above named, and Kitty–to be our witnesses for the signing of the certificate, and these three also served as our handmaidens. In the afternoon before the wedding, they worked like busy bees to make us both wreathes of willow and wild flowers to wear about our heads. We have kept the wreathes as mementoes of our special day, and they’re now drying out nicely in our home to be preserved for as long as possible.
We also had gifts of herbs, mead, perfumes made from herbs and spices, incense and a slice of log from R and C that had cut into it three little drawers in which crystals will be placed. The log is incredibly beautiful, and unusual. Kitty gave us an amazing book that we will be using to store printed photos of the day. Egg of a Dragon–Amethyst Dragon’s 10-year-old daughter—made us a fabulous pentagram from willow stems and leaves; again, this is now drying out to be kept as a memento of our special day. All the children who attended, those of our known and unknown friends, thoroughly enjoyed themselves, as did the adults.
All our gifts had a lot of thoughtfulness put into their choosing, and carried—still carry, will always carry—many blessings for us both, and memories that will overwhelm us with good feelings for a long time to come.
Being a wedding, many of the women present wept copious tears but so, too, did two or three of the men and I have to admit, I was one of them! I was looking into D’s eyes and quietly told him he had never looked more beautiful—he truly hadn’t, such was the glow in his skin, the fire in his eyes, the shine of his smile—and the tears just flowed out of me. It would have been wrong to hold them in, or wipe them away, and so they stayed throughout the ceremony.
The life-rites celebrant cried at one point, too, and told us she hardly ever cries at ceremonies she officiates but was herself overwhelmed by the energies we gave out as a couple obviously deeply in love with one another.
Our vows were spontaneous—we chose not to write them down beforehand, not wanting to memorise anything but to allow spirit to move us when the time was right—and I can’t honestly tell you what we said to each other. I can remember bits and pieces, but I know we both said the right words, coming as they did from our hearts.
We were very nervous before the ceremony and during it were simply blasted with emotion, both our own and others’ feelings and responses. Afterwards we went back to our tent for a while—no giggling, naughty people!–and told each other that we really did feel different: no longer boyfriend to one another, but husband. Several people later asked us the question, did we feel different?, and we told them, yes, absolutely, without hesitation. We still feel different today.
There followed the ritual burning of John Barleycorn, and another unique handfasting ceremony between two members of the Scartanore clan, to which the Brigantii folk were honoured to have an invite extended. It would not be right to go into the details of the ceremony held for another couple, and so I won’t. I will say, however, that when the ceremony had concluded the couple were chased off through a candle-lit maze in the stone circle—and then, to our surprise and shock, the life-rites celebrant called for the other happy couple—us!–to have the same treatment, and so we found ourselves running through a maze of fire to the cries of ‘we know where you’re going, we know what you’re going to do’. It was exhilarating, knackering and hilarious as well as an additional boost to what was already one utterly amazing day.
Thank you to everyone who was there, and everyone who couldn’t be there and sent us good wishes. Thanks, too, to all those who have already offered congratulations here on the site. I’ve never posted photos of me and my beloved directly to the blog before, but if there’s ever an occasion to do things differently it is surely in relation to our wedding! I’m the long-haired one, by the way… The extensions coped quite well with the rigours of outdoor living!
The complete photo collection from the wedding will only be accessible to those registered on Flickr as our friends and family. It isn’t yet ready, but I will post again to let you know when all the photos have been uploaded for viewing.
23 comments on “Our pagan wedding”
July 31st, 2007 at 1:46 pm
Oh dear, you almost got me crying there as well! That ceremony sounded magically beautiful.
I hope you and your husband share many, many more years together, filled with love and happiness!
July 31st, 2007 at 2:22 pm
A beautiful ceremony for a beautiful couple! Many cheers, and thank you for sharing this special day with us ..
:em70: :em70: :em70: :em70:
July 31st, 2007 at 3:54 pm
Well, you brought tears to someone across the pond. That was absolutely beautiful, Spicy. And I’m glad to hear someone admitting that they do indeed feel differently afterwards.
And pictures! So cool!
Congratulations, you two. There was more sincerity in this union than 99% of others I’ve attended or witnessed. So lovely!
July 31st, 2007 at 8:42 pm
:em70:
Congratulations you two! Best wishes to you both.
xoxo
July 31st, 2007 at 9:17 pm
Thank you so much for sharing your special day - both in words and pictures .
Many many blessings upon you both XXXXXXXXXXX
August 1st, 2007 at 3:44 am
What a beautiful ceremony! Congrats from another total stranger who’s something of a Pagan.
August 1st, 2007 at 8:11 am
[...] http://www.spicycauldron.com/2007/07/31/our-pagan-wedding/ [...]
August 1st, 2007 at 11:05 am
Gorgeous comments all! Thank you! x
August 3rd, 2007 at 1:20 am
Andy, I am so happy for the both of you!!!
What a beautiful ceremony. Seems like a wonderful way to celebrate your love - and life and vitality in general, in unity with nature and ancient tradition … let your union be blessed by all holy and divine forces! :em70:
August 3rd, 2007 at 8:31 am
What an amazing post. A big congratulations to you and yours. It still doesn’t change my mind about marriage though. Still, it did soften my heart a bit.
August 3rd, 2007 at 8:45 am
[quote post="2232"]A big congratulations to you and yours. It still doesn’t change my mind about marriage though.[/quote]
Thanks Dan! Care to elaborate some more? I think there’s room for all sorts of celebrations of union, and to be honest our handfasting meant so much to us both in spiritual and emotional terms and, while I am sure our civil ceremony next year will be great, I don’t think it will have the same significance because it’s a legal thing we’ll be doing. Er… I don’t mean we like the illegal… I just mean the spiritual and emotional will be in our hearts, not the ceremony itself, which takes place in a registry office stripped of any religious aspect. x
August 3rd, 2007 at 8:47 am
[quote post="2232"]let your union be blessed by all holy and divine forces! [/quote]
Ruby, we both thank you and extend blessings to you and everyone who has left us these wonderful comments! I see them as kind of like a guest book for people who weren’t necessarily there at the time, which is fab! x
August 3rd, 2007 at 4:46 pm
I never meant to imply that your ceremony was nothing less than amazing for the both of you. As for me I find myself struggling to figure out a spirituality that works for me. I do believe in a higher power that is for certain. Without that I surely would be dead by now. What I meant is that I don’t think marriage is for me. However, I have learned never to say never
August 3rd, 2007 at 8:49 pm
I didn’t for one minute think you were saying that, Dan, so don’t worry on that score. I was just interested in getting an elaboration on why marriage isn’t for you.
As for never saying never, the only constant is change, that much I’ve learned. x
August 4th, 2007 at 3:00 pm
[...] I want to publicly congratulate Spicy on his wedding to his now husband, D. The description is so well written that you feel as if you are there. Many [...]
August 5th, 2007 at 11:00 am
To answer your question. I was once married before. That relationship went so, so, very wrong very quickly. What matters most to me now is my relationship with Hayes. Both he and I believe it’s what we put into the relationship that matters. Not the labels we put on it. I do hope to spend the rest of my life with him but I am a realist. Hayes made it clear from the very beginning that he wasn’t keen on the idea of marriage. Not to mention I once lost his trust completely. I can tell you that there is such a thing as conditional love and that it does work. I guess that in a nutshell is my stance on marriage.
Again, a big congrats to you both. Who knows, maybe Hayes and I will make it to the civil union.
August 5th, 2007 at 11:05 am
That would be brilliant, same goes for Howard, Jami and many others. If we were millionaires we’d pay for you all to come over for that one! x
August 5th, 2007 at 10:50 pm
:em61: :em61: :em61: :em61: :em61:
You got me crying again! It was a truly amazing day :em20:
:em70: :em70: :em70: :em70: :em70:
August 6th, 2007 at 7:51 am
It was. D and I will remember it always, especially the love of the friends who were in attendance. x
August 7th, 2007 at 11:59 pm
Aw, that sounds wonderful! Thank you so much for sending BrigantiiMoot the link to this blog, I am so glad to have seen it. Congratulations and many blessings to you and your lovely husband.
Wytch xxx
August 8th, 2007 at 7:00 am
Thank you! It was a wonderful ceremony, and we enjoyed Oakleaf immensely for the second year running! x
October 8th, 2007 at 10:24 pm
more welcome, but the ceremony itself is so unique for each couple. Rather than trying to adapt a traditional format to fit their lifestyle, the process is the same as it would be for a heterosexual couple. To read more about their beautiful ceremony,click here.
July 23rd, 2008 at 8:27 pm
Reading this had me in tears again :o)
In case I don’t get online again before leaving for this year’s Oakleaf … Happy First Wedding Anniversary guys! May your love and joy just grow and grow.
Loads of Love & Heaps of Hugs
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