The Vagina Monologue

Sunday, December 31st, 2006

Drusilla, the cat whose sole intention since Christmas Day has been to get some while my primary occupation has been making sure she doesn’t, kept me awake most of last night.

I rose to greet New Year’s Eve with somewhat less enthusiasm than I might otherwise have done. After several hours of an incessantly whining vagina-on-four-legs trying to burrow through carpets, in the process destroying all hope of ever getting our deposit back on the house come the eventual day we move, I took the drastic step some might perceive as cruel but hey, it worked. I took Drusilla into the bathroom, placed her in the shower cubicle and sprayed her back end with cold water.

Yes, at approximately 2am I gave a horny cat a cold shower to dampen her ardour.

I didn’t towel-dry my beloved but, at present, somewhat tiresome pet. I just took her back to her bed in the hope she’d be distracted from her sexual impulses, be a bit calmer and spend a few hours grooming herself dry. It worked, for a time. I got about two hours of sleep before Drusilla, dry once more, began calling for cock. As a gay man, you may mistakenly think I was sympathetic but no. I most certainly was not. Do any women have sympathy? Does it get quite so bad for you? I have never, in all my days, met a man who made as much noise as this damn cat. And she can’t be neutered until January 5. I am going to start the new year on the fast track to insanity for sure if this keeps on. I need sleep and some respite from the never-ending feline love songs.

For a time, I had some sadness at the thought that Drusilla would have to be spayed. I go through that with every female cat I’ve ever owned but always I find my sympathy and misplaced sorrow dissipate come the first and last season. It’s unbearable. I mean, we all get horny from time to time. But surely not so horny? I’ve never to my knowledge destroyed furnishings or tried to break down doors in my quest to get some. Have you?

The sooner this sluttery is ended, the better. It is a full-time task, however, to ensure it isn’t ended by the enthusiastic intervention of the stray un-neutered black tomcat hanging around in our garden in the hope of the all-you-can-poke muffeteria opening for business. No. Black kittens would be cute. But no. No, no, no.

categories: animals