The Spicy Cauldron Awards Ceremony 2006

Friday, September 8th, 2006

Let The Spicy Cauldron Awards Ceremony 2006 begin!

Welcome to the first-ever Spicy Cauldron Awards Ceremony! Ladies and gentlemen and persons who defy such categorisations, if you could please take your seats and extinguish all cigarettes, the show is about to begin. Just five lucky people are about to find out they get to take home a Spicy to show off on their blogs. Without further ado, I ask you to give a round of applause for our first winning entry, coming in at number five…

(opens envelope)


5

And the first winning entry at number five is by LisaNewf, entitled Crossbones.

(applause erupts across the auditorium)

This beautiful, thoughtful poem is about a graveyard in Southwark, London which was in use for at least several hundred years (with evidence it was used for this purpose as far back as Roman times) before it closed in the mid-1800s and was immediately wiped off all maps, its location quickly forgotten. It was unconsecrated ground in which the poor were buried along with those considered social misfits or sexual deviants – criminals, street-walkers and molly boys (rent boys). It was only rediscovered several years ago during excavation work for the Jubilee Line tube extension, when tunnel-borers unearthed hundreds of skeletons piled on top of one another. Since then, a campaign has been organised to try to prevent London Underground from building offices on the site or at least to get some kind of memorial garden for the dead incorporated into the plans. I’d like to draw attention to one line from Lisa’s poem in particular – ‘If truth is beauty than the mud and grime of a pauper’s grave is the most beautiful site in the land’.

Well done, Lisa. This poem is deserving of a wider audience and I hope winning a Spicy helps to increase the number of people who read your excellent poem, and go on to find out more about Crossbones Graveyard.

Now, someone has just passed me the envelope for our next winner. Who’s in at number four? Let’s see, shall we?

(opens envelope, takes a breath)


4

Khlari wins number four position with a wonderfully provocative and intelligent essay, The Death of Passion. A round of applause for the lady in black, please!

(pauses for applause to die down)

So why is this essay so great? Well there’s no doubt it’s spicy with its exploration of passion – the things Khlari feels passionate about and the ways in which today’s society stifles passion and seems afraid of eccentricities and innovations in fashion, literature and music. Whether you agree with her or not, Khlari puts forward a coherent, well-reasoned argument that the world is becoming duller and more uniform with each passing day. ‘Was England suddenly blasted by a giant ray of Chavtonite?’ she asks. One has to wonder indeed, if the explosion of chav culture does indeed have some connection to sunspots or passing meteors…

Okay, everyone we’re coming up to the halfway line which is straddled by whoever has won third place! Who could it be? Let’s find out!

(opens envelope and smiles)


3

And third place goes to… MsDemmie!

(more applause – some whooping is heard and scarf-waving is noted in the back rows)

Otherwise known as Nicola, MsDemmie writes an intense, personal and incisive piece on The Great Weight Debate which is currently raging in the UK, EU and US. What I liked about this was the way it challenges all of us to take personal responsibility at a time when many place the blame for this and that onto other people’s shoulders. Nicola highlights the changes over recent decades which, all told, show obesity to be an inevitable consequence of laziness and convenience. We all need to get off our backsides, stop lamenting our waistlines and do some exercise. It’s hard-hitting because it tells the truth and frankly the comparison between the 1960s and 2000s nakedly reveals just why our bellies are getting so big.

Now things are hotting up. I can see the crowd getting excited. How are you doing out there?

(lots of shouting can be heard from all sections of the auditorium)

Goodness, there’s a lady up there waving a bra! I’ve no idea if it’s hers or someone else’s! Madam, if you’ve just taken it off, put it back on. It gets drafty up there in the boxes! I think we’d better move on and see who’s won the number two position, don’t you? Here’s one of the fairy pot-holers running on stage now with an envelope in his grubby little paws…

(takes envelope and opens it)


2

Ah! Now this is a very funny entry. Ladies, gentlemen, pixies, elves, etc etc… Please give a warm round of congratulatory applause to Howard!

(crowd grows ever more enthusiastic – lots of applause – knickers are thrown)

Hey now! He’s not Tom Jones, you know. Ladies, you’ll have no luck with those shenanigans, I can tell you – and spare a thought for your husbands at home, please! Howard’s very amusing winning entry is called Title Vaguely Pointing to Subject Matter. As Homer Simpson once said, ‘Its funny because it’s true’. Great comedy nearly always is. Howard dismantles the wankery involved in way too many blog entries. We will all be familiar with the type of masturbatory writing he parodies; we’re probably guilty of it from time to time but to laugh at yourself is, er, well… Yeah. Anyhooo… Howard manages to bite with great humour, and his entry serves to invoke laughter as well as provide a template for the millions of bloggers who shouldn’t really blog and yet they do. Alas, they do.

Okay, before I reveal who has won the enviable number one position, it’s time I think to allow our sponsors, the spammers who continue to target this blog, a few precious seconds of airtime….

Viagra, viagra, viagra. Slutty she-males. Me love you long time. Dihydrocodeine. Penis extender. Boobs. Schoolgirls. Hey, I love your blog! You say it all. Nice one, big guy! Viagra, viagra, viagra. I really like what you have to say! Herbal sex supplements.

Enough. Shut up. Go away. Without further preamble, can someone please pass me the special golden envelope?

(another, different, fairy pot-holer runs on stage grasping a very bling-y envelope)

Thank you. Are you all ready for this?

(crowd roars)

Right then. Here goes…

(opens envelope)


1

And the winner is… Deborah Oak with her entry Drawing Down the Elvis which is about…

(huge applause)

… which is about…

(more applause)

… which is about Elvis Presley, pagan phenomenon. Deborah takes the reader on a journey through the many different facets of deity which Elvis displayed throughout his life and beyond – trickster god, horned god, Dagda – and reveals with wit and style just how and why the historical Elvis is evolving into the mythological Elvis. She explores his occult connections, the miracles attributed to him and argues that pagans and witches should embrace him as one of their own kind. She tells us Elvis is everywhere and that if we look, we will find him. Who could doubt it after reading what Deborah has to say? Congratulations to her and here’s hoping the article gains a wider readership now that Deborah takes away the much-coveted top slot. She’s a spicy writer indeed!

Now – acceptance speeches in the comments section, please!

I’d like to take the opportunity to thank everybody who submitted entries. If you haven’t won, you’ve got a whole year of blogging ahead of you before the second awards ceremony. I do hope you’ll enter again next time round because I enjoyed reading everything put forward for consideration. Choosing just five was not easy. I hope those who didn’t win find some consolation in knowing the competition was very tough indeed. If I thought some entries were turkeys, I’d say so – though I wouldn’t say which ones! – but there weren’t any. Don’t forget the links you all posted in the comments section of the original call for submissions still stand. And as we all know, where we link to, others will surely follow!

I would like in closing to draw special attention to Jo’s wonderful selection of recipes, Sue’s incredible first-hand account of dream communications with the dead , a feminist’s controversial essay-from-a-question and Hayes’ campaign to save his local theme park. I loved all four of these entries for very different reasons but what can I say? I could only choose five winners!

I will be emailing the award badges to the winners and ask that they link their trophy image back here, to this article, so folks can see just why they won recognition for their outstanding work. Thanks to everyone. Tune in again this time next year for The 2nd Annual Spicy Cauldron Awards!

categories: all wired up, rattle bag